apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
