great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize