Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
