How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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