this beer tastes like vomit already
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
