No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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