What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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