I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
