No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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