Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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