I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
