somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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