The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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