we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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