I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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