A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
