I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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