i'm signing you up for texting rehab
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
