8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
