I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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