so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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