I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
