I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
