Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Please don't give away my fajitas
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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