Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
