I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just google imaged poop.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
