bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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