Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
