that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
