Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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