What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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