He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
