i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
