how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is my gift to your gina
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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