My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
