I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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