haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
