I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize