I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
