last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
