I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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