Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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