Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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