the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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