8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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