I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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