I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
