using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
