Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
