Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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