Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
