so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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