I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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