just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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