Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
