i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
