I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
