weddingsv make me drug and hornr
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
