just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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