shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
