Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
