i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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