Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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