i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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