I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
