i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
