i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
