fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
my nose is crying tears of wow.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
