My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
