Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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