Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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