I'm gonna have a badass scar
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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