conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
