Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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